State of the Union Address Summary

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It’s All Bush’s Fault!

Amazing New Discovery

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons…

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentiums mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons…

Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day

In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcomingEasterandPassoverHoly days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, “Case dismissed!”

The lawyer immediately stood, objecting to the ruling saying, “Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this
case?The Christianshave Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover,Chanukah and Yom Kippur, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays…”

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, “But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant.” Thelawyer said, “Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists.” The judge said, “The calendar says April 1st isApril Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, ‘The fool says in his heart, there is no God.’ Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is
adjourned.”

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

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Hitler Finds Out Scott Brown Won Massachusetts Senate Seat

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The New GM Proudly Introduces the 2010 Obama

The New GM(Government Motors) Proudly Introduces The 2010Obama!

This car runs on hot air, bull-puckey and broken promises.

It has three wheels that speed the vehicle through tight left turns.

It comes complete with two Tele-Prompters programmed to help the occupants talk their way out of any violations.

The transparent canopy reveals the plastic smiles still on the faces of all the happy owners.

Comes in S, M, L, XL and 2XL

It won’t get you to work, but hey, there aren’t any jobs anyway!

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Your HEALTH Insurance is here!!!

THE NEWEST FAMILY DOCTOR. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MAY HAVE VOTED FOR OBAMA… HOW’S THAT HOPE AND CHANGE WORKING OUT FOR YOU?

Quit paying your insurance premiums.
Free health care is here.
The doctor will see you now…

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Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?

Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?

Hell from an engineering approach:

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid term. The answer was so profound that the Professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

“First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, “…that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.” and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.”

This student received the only A.

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• HELL EXPLAINED I was watching Rowan Atkinson doing his funny skit on 'Hell' the other day it was hilarious.  Anyway it brought to mind a funny tale that I have had tucked away in my archives -  so I went and dug it out. This is another novel but hugely entertaining look......
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert…

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert…

After they got their tent set up, they fell asleep. Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend and says, “Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Tonto replies, “Me see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?” asked The Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute, then says, “Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?”

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, sighs, then says, “Tonto, you moron, someone has stolen our tent.”

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The Bathtub Test…

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized…

“Well,” said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No.” said the director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?

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Psalm 2009

Psalm 2009:

All together now…

Obama is the shepherd I did not want.

He leadeth me beside the still factories.

He restoreth my faith in the Republican party.

He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line,

I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me…

He has anointed my income with taxes,

My expenses runneth over.

Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life,

And I will live in a mortgaged home forever.

I am glad I am American,

I am glad that I am free.

But I wish I was a dog…

And Obama was a tree.

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Cash for Clunkers Scam…!!!

Ignore all the gas crap and just look at how the stupid car buyer got taken to the cleaners:

If you traded in a clunker worth $3500, you get $4500 off for an apparent “savings” of $1000.

However, you have to pay taxes on the $4500 come April 15th (something that no auto dealer will tell you). If you are in the 30% tax bracket, you will pay $1350 on that $4500.

So, rather than save $1000, you actually pay an extra $350 to the feds. In addition, you traded in a car that was most likely paid for. Now you have 4 or 5 years of payments on a car that you did not need, that was costing you less to run than the payments that you will now be making.

But wait; it gets even better: you also got ripped off by the dealer. For example, every dealer here in LA was selling the Ford Focus with all the goodies, including A/C, auto transmission, power windows, etc for $12,500 the month before the “cash for clunkers” program started.

When “cash for clunkers” came along, they stopped discounting them and instead sold them at the list price of $15,500. So, you paid $3000 more than you would have the month before… (Honda, Toyota , and Kia played the same list price game that Ford and Chevy did).

So let’s do the final tally here:

You traded in a car worth: $3500
You got a discount of: $4500
———
Net so far +$1000
But you have to pay: $1350 in taxes on the $4500
——–
Net so far: -$350
And you paid: $3000 more than the car was selling for the month before
———-
Net -$3350

We could also add in the additional taxes (sales tax, state tax, etc.) on the extra $3000 that you paid for the car, along with the 5 years of interest on the car loan, but let’s just stop here.

So who actually made out on the deal? The feds collected taxes on the car along with taxes on the $4500 they “gave” you. The car dealers made an extra $3000 or more on every car they sold along with the kickbacks from the manufacturers and the loan companies. The manufacturers got to dump lots of cars they could not give away the month before.. And the poor, stupid consumer got saddled with even more debt that they cannot afford.

Obama and his band of merry men convinced Joe consumer that he was getting $4500 in “free” money from the “government” when in fact, Joe was giving away his $3500 car and paying an additional $3350 for the privilege.

Wonder how many fell for this one !!

Just wait until we get health care withno additional costs over what most of us now pay for health insurance and the best medical care in the world. Think that scheme might be designed by the same people who came up with Cash for Clunkers?

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YOU’VE GOT TO LOVE THIS RANCHER’S OUTLOOK & COMMON SENSE APPROACH TO LIFE

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who’s hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president.

The old rancher said, ‘Well, ya know, Obama is a ‘Post Turtle”

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a ‘post turtle’ was.

The old rancher said, ‘When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a ‘post turtle’.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor’s face so he continued to explain. ‘You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with..

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